my literary self
Saturday, November 15, 2003
Miss the days when it felt like you were mine
You lied to me then
Did not tell me about her real identity
You tried many times to make me leave you
I refused
But I had to stay away
I tried not to look for you
Afraid you would be pissed off if I did
But you always looked for me
You called. You messaged.
I like to think it's because you still love me
For sometime I thought I could get over you and move on
I knew more guys, went out with them
But I realized that I missed you alot
I realized that there was no place in my heart for someone other than you
I said before, I froze my heart
And I'm waiting for you and only you to thaw it
You ask me do I still love you
I do.
I've never stopped loving you
Even though you so heartlessly say you have no more feelings for me
100%
I was devastated upon hearing that
Felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces
But I still love you
And I'm still waiting, right here, for you
Just for you
created on 26 Sep 2001 Wed 1:31pm
You lied to me then
Did not tell me about her real identity
You tried many times to make me leave you
I refused
But I had to stay away
I tried not to look for you
Afraid you would be pissed off if I did
But you always looked for me
You called. You messaged.
I like to think it's because you still love me
For sometime I thought I could get over you and move on
I knew more guys, went out with them
But I realized that I missed you alot
I realized that there was no place in my heart for someone other than you
I said before, I froze my heart
And I'm waiting for you and only you to thaw it
You ask me do I still love you
I do.
I've never stopped loving you
Even though you so heartlessly say you have no more feelings for me
100%
I was devastated upon hearing that
Felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces
But I still love you
And I'm still waiting, right here, for you
Just for you
created on 26 Sep 2001 Wed 1:31pm
FOLLY
You came into my life
Bearing a false identity
Gave me something to look foward to
Nightly.
You gave me joy, hope,
maybe love.
You told me about your work, your life
yourself.
Alas! It was all a masquerade
You lied.
I was not angry
I did not curse and swear
But I was devastated and disappointed
Why?
Why all the lies?
Why are things the way they are?
Plenty of questions
But answers are elusive
created on 21 May 2001 Mon 4:44am
Bearing a false identity
Gave me something to look foward to
Nightly.
You gave me joy, hope,
maybe love.
You told me about your work, your life
yourself.
Alas! It was all a masquerade
You lied.
I was not angry
I did not curse and swear
But I was devastated and disappointed
Why?
Why all the lies?
Why are things the way they are?
Plenty of questions
But answers are elusive
created on 21 May 2001 Mon 4:44am
I was amazed you actually knew who I was
I had always thought you wouldn't notice me
All the emails I sent in the past had no replies
I decided to try again
To my delight and surprise
You finally replied
Said don't worry, I know who you are
Too bad you're no longer around
I won't have a chance to catch even a glimpse of you
But seeing you on the bus the other day was a beautiful surprise
You actually recognized me
Sometimes you look so beautiful that you make me sad
But I guess you'll never knkow that
You'd never know how much I like you
How much I'd like to be
Someone special to you
I had always thought you wouldn't notice me
All the emails I sent in the past had no replies
I decided to try again
To my delight and surprise
You finally replied
Said don't worry, I know who you are
Too bad you're no longer around
I won't have a chance to catch even a glimpse of you
But seeing you on the bus the other day was a beautiful surprise
You actually recognized me
Sometimes you look so beautiful that you make me sad
But I guess you'll never knkow that
You'd never know how much I like you
How much I'd like to be
Someone special to you
God has given me an opportunity
A chance to get to know you
You're no longer leaving
At least, not yet
You bothered to answer my questions
Was nice enough to reply my messages
Asked you to join us for an outing
But you were reluctant to do so
Said you don't know many of them
But I asked to come along and have fun
You said 'we'll see'
Suggested that you join us for lunch when you came back to school
You said ok, if you have the time
Somehow I feel you're just trying to be polite
To not let me be disappointed
But I don't know
I'll cherish this opportunity
And I thank the Lord
Thank You
A chance to get to know you
You're no longer leaving
At least, not yet
You bothered to answer my questions
Was nice enough to reply my messages
Asked you to join us for an outing
But you were reluctant to do so
Said you don't know many of them
But I asked to come along and have fun
You said 'we'll see'
Suggested that you join us for lunch when you came back to school
You said ok, if you have the time
Somehow I feel you're just trying to be polite
To not let me be disappointed
But I don't know
I'll cherish this opportunity
And I thank the Lord
Thank You
Crushed
I must like him more than I care to admit
Maybe I even love him
If not, why would I have cried over him?
Just a simple gesture, an avoidance
Was enough to turn my mood upside down
My heart was hurt badly
It felt like a knife had just taken out a part of me
Mercilessly
I wanted to leave
Go somewhere, anywhere
Where I could not see him
I wanted to cry
But how could I, when he was around?
Holding back my tears, I remained silent
When I was finally alone, I felt sorry for myself all over again
I could hold back my tears no longer
I wanted to cry forever
But what good will it do?
It would not make him like me
He will never know
How special he is to her
created on 19 Feb 2000 Sat 9:55pm @ Home
Maybe I even love him
If not, why would I have cried over him?
Just a simple gesture, an avoidance
Was enough to turn my mood upside down
My heart was hurt badly
It felt like a knife had just taken out a part of me
Mercilessly
I wanted to leave
Go somewhere, anywhere
Where I could not see him
I wanted to cry
But how could I, when he was around?
Holding back my tears, I remained silent
When I was finally alone, I felt sorry for myself all over again
I could hold back my tears no longer
I wanted to cry forever
But what good will it do?
It would not make him like me
He will never know
How special he is to her
created on 19 Feb 2000 Sat 9:55pm @ Home
Dilemma
He didn't make a deep impression the first time she saw him three
years ago. He wasn't very good-looking, neither was he very cool. He seemed
to be someone who did not often get touched by others, physically and
emotionally. He did not seem to be attached to anyone, anything. He just
came and went, bringing his sweet charm, and leaving her with a dull ache.
She didn't know why she felt this way. She never regarded him as someone
whom she might love, whom she might develop feelings for. She'd always
looked upon him as a friend, a very good friend., one whose company she
truly enjoyed. She was not sure if she loved him, or just liked him very
much. She was afraid, afraid to get too close to him, afraid to know that he
had fallen for someone else. He never talked much about himself, about his
feelings. She often liked to think that as she spent more time with him,
she'd gotten to know more about him. But sometimes she realized that she
still didn't know him very well. Many a times she was caught in a dilemma
between letting him know how she felt and keeping her feelings hidden from
him. Always, in the end, she would decide that she cherished their
friendship too much to risk losing it after she bared her heart.
He never offered to help, but always obliged when asked to. She was
almost always happy to be with him. She did not get to see him everyday but
when she did, the rest of her day would be spent thinking of him. He was
often on her mind, every morning after waking up, every night before going
to bed. He seldom called and whenever he did, it would be for a specific
purpose, not to chitchat. He treated her the same way he treated all his
other friends and he never did anything to make her think otherwise. She
knew then that it couldn't be because he sent out the wrong signals. So she
couldn't understand why he was always on her mind.
Sometimes, she allowed herself to fantasize, to dream about
something that could never be. To be someone special to him, to hold his
hand, to be by his side always. She knew it was unhealthy to do that; it
would only make her feel more depressed than ever. She didn't want to give
herself any false hopes. She knew she wouldn't be able to take it if she
knew what he felt wasn't what she wanted. So she chose to contend herself
with the knowledge that at least she was still a friend of his, albeit an
ordinary one.
Maybe it was best that they remained as friends. She did not know if
she would still like him a few months down the road. All that she wanted was
to be able to see him, talk to him, be with him. Whatever will be, will be.
created on 3 Feb 2000 Thu 5:35pm, NUS Arts canteen
years ago. He wasn't very good-looking, neither was he very cool. He seemed
to be someone who did not often get touched by others, physically and
emotionally. He did not seem to be attached to anyone, anything. He just
came and went, bringing his sweet charm, and leaving her with a dull ache.
She didn't know why she felt this way. She never regarded him as someone
whom she might love, whom she might develop feelings for. She'd always
looked upon him as a friend, a very good friend., one whose company she
truly enjoyed. She was not sure if she loved him, or just liked him very
much. She was afraid, afraid to get too close to him, afraid to know that he
had fallen for someone else. He never talked much about himself, about his
feelings. She often liked to think that as she spent more time with him,
she'd gotten to know more about him. But sometimes she realized that she
still didn't know him very well. Many a times she was caught in a dilemma
between letting him know how she felt and keeping her feelings hidden from
him. Always, in the end, she would decide that she cherished their
friendship too much to risk losing it after she bared her heart.
He never offered to help, but always obliged when asked to. She was
almost always happy to be with him. She did not get to see him everyday but
when she did, the rest of her day would be spent thinking of him. He was
often on her mind, every morning after waking up, every night before going
to bed. He seldom called and whenever he did, it would be for a specific
purpose, not to chitchat. He treated her the same way he treated all his
other friends and he never did anything to make her think otherwise. She
knew then that it couldn't be because he sent out the wrong signals. So she
couldn't understand why he was always on her mind.
Sometimes, she allowed herself to fantasize, to dream about
something that could never be. To be someone special to him, to hold his
hand, to be by his side always. She knew it was unhealthy to do that; it
would only make her feel more depressed than ever. She didn't want to give
herself any false hopes. She knew she wouldn't be able to take it if she
knew what he felt wasn't what she wanted. So she chose to contend herself
with the knowledge that at least she was still a friend of his, albeit an
ordinary one.
Maybe it was best that they remained as friends. She did not know if
she would still like him a few months down the road. All that she wanted was
to be able to see him, talk to him, be with him. Whatever will be, will be.
created on 3 Feb 2000 Thu 5:35pm, NUS Arts canteen
The Story
She’d always thought that it was near impossible to find someone she loves who loves her too. Twice she thought she found him and twice she was fooled. Many times, her feelings for guys were either unrequited or unbeknownst to them. At times, she can be contemplating several at once. She thinks that it’s her own fault, that it’s because she can’t make up her mind, that’s why she can’t find her one true love. It never crossed her mind that she would have the chance to reject someone, that she was good enough for someone to like. But it happened.
He was five years older than her, both an ‘uncle’ and a ‘little big brother’ to her. She treated him purely as a friend, someone whose advice she could seek, who would offer a listening ear anytime. He started asking her out, but somehow, she found excuses to turn him down. He travelled some distance so that he could study with her during the exams. She always said he was crazy to do that, that he shouldn’t be wasting his time travelling to and fro. He just smiled but didn’t say anything. She suspected something, but he never did confirm her suspicions. Time passed and they didn’t talk as often. They began to seem more like acquaintances than friends.
One night a year later, they were both online. He was having an emotional problem and she offered advice and sympathy. He said he did not want to tell her what happened because he was afraid he’ll fall in love with her. He’s scared he will lose the friendship they had if she didn’t feel the same way. Maybe he was too lonely, maybe she was too friendly, he asked her a question that stumped her. ‘Do you want to be someone more than a big little sister?’ She did not know how to answer him. Things were left hanging. Never before having been caught in a situation like that, she handled things badly. Having heard her mention that the bus journey to school was a long ride, he immediately offered to keep her company on these trips. Not wanting to give him the wrong idea, she always found one reason or another to turn down his offers. Subconsciously, she was rejecting him, but she did not want or know how to do it directly by telling him so. She began to avoid him and stopped being too friendly with him lest he got encouraged or misled.
She felt bad treating him the way she did. Having been rejected before by other people, she knew the feeling was nowhere near fantastic. But she did not know that rejecting someone could be such an unpleasant ordeal. She tried to not make him feel too bad but the fact that she was rejecting him obviously couldn’t make him feel any better. In a way, what he was afraid of was starting to happen. They did not talk much to each other for a long time, and whatever words spoken between them were mostly his. Her own replies to his questions sounded harsh and cold to her ears.
Love is an inexplicable thing. It is so difficult for two people to come together and stay together. More often than not, one or both parties come away broken from a relationship. Still, she hopes that one day, the story will have a happy ending.
created on 27 Jan 2000 2:30am
He was five years older than her, both an ‘uncle’ and a ‘little big brother’ to her. She treated him purely as a friend, someone whose advice she could seek, who would offer a listening ear anytime. He started asking her out, but somehow, she found excuses to turn him down. He travelled some distance so that he could study with her during the exams. She always said he was crazy to do that, that he shouldn’t be wasting his time travelling to and fro. He just smiled but didn’t say anything. She suspected something, but he never did confirm her suspicions. Time passed and they didn’t talk as often. They began to seem more like acquaintances than friends.
One night a year later, they were both online. He was having an emotional problem and she offered advice and sympathy. He said he did not want to tell her what happened because he was afraid he’ll fall in love with her. He’s scared he will lose the friendship they had if she didn’t feel the same way. Maybe he was too lonely, maybe she was too friendly, he asked her a question that stumped her. ‘Do you want to be someone more than a big little sister?’ She did not know how to answer him. Things were left hanging. Never before having been caught in a situation like that, she handled things badly. Having heard her mention that the bus journey to school was a long ride, he immediately offered to keep her company on these trips. Not wanting to give him the wrong idea, she always found one reason or another to turn down his offers. Subconsciously, she was rejecting him, but she did not want or know how to do it directly by telling him so. She began to avoid him and stopped being too friendly with him lest he got encouraged or misled.
She felt bad treating him the way she did. Having been rejected before by other people, she knew the feeling was nowhere near fantastic. But she did not know that rejecting someone could be such an unpleasant ordeal. She tried to not make him feel too bad but the fact that she was rejecting him obviously couldn’t make him feel any better. In a way, what he was afraid of was starting to happen. They did not talk much to each other for a long time, and whatever words spoken between them were mostly his. Her own replies to his questions sounded harsh and cold to her ears.
Love is an inexplicable thing. It is so difficult for two people to come together and stay together. More often than not, one or both parties come away broken from a relationship. Still, she hopes that one day, the story will have a happy ending.
created on 27 Jan 2000 2:30am
You said you like me
I know not why
Is the feeling mutual
I really do not know
It is wrong to say this has never crossed my mind
I've thought about it
Am thinking about it
Will think about it
You choose to carry on
I choose to give it a try
But if I find someone else in the end
What then?
I do not want to hurt you
But this seems unfair to you
You shouldn't you know
But it's not something you can control
Promise me
If things don't work out
We'll still be friends
Good friends
created on 14 Jul 1999 Wed, 3:52pm - 3:58pm
I know not why
Is the feeling mutual
I really do not know
It is wrong to say this has never crossed my mind
I've thought about it
Am thinking about it
Will think about it
You choose to carry on
I choose to give it a try
But if I find someone else in the end
What then?
I do not want to hurt you
But this seems unfair to you
You shouldn't you know
But it's not something you can control
Promise me
If things don't work out
We'll still be friends
Good friends
created on 14 Jul 1999 Wed, 3:52pm - 3:58pm
A Mistake
Thought it would never happen again
Thought there was no place in my heart
But I was touched once again
By you
Know this was all wrong from the very beginning
Know I shouldn't like you
You belong to someone else who loves you
But I went ahead and did it anyway
So stupid, so dumb
You did not stop me
Did not avoid me
You said 'as long as it makes you happy'
So sweet
Why?
Why do you carry on
knowing the risk you're taking
The dangerous game you're playing
Just to make me happy?
Not to let me feel disappointed?
I fear for you
Fear means control
And control hurts
But I won't stop
I'm not ready to stop
Yet.
created on 30 May 1999 Sun 3:15pm
Thought there was no place in my heart
But I was touched once again
By you
Know this was all wrong from the very beginning
Know I shouldn't like you
You belong to someone else who loves you
But I went ahead and did it anyway
So stupid, so dumb
You did not stop me
Did not avoid me
You said 'as long as it makes you happy'
So sweet
Why?
Why do you carry on
knowing the risk you're taking
The dangerous game you're playing
Just to make me happy?
Not to let me feel disappointed?
I fear for you
Fear means control
And control hurts
But I won't stop
I'm not ready to stop
Yet.
created on 30 May 1999 Sun 3:15pm
Heard from a friend today
That there was a period of time last year
When you were really sad
I regretted not knowing you then
Not being able to give you warmth and comfort
To hold you in my arms and tell you
I'll always be by your side
Somehow you don't always look very happy
And it makes me wonder why
Really want to ask you
But whenever I see you
I can't seem to find anything to say
Hate myself for not being able to help you
To share in your problems and burdens
It pains me to see you so
I don't know what to do
Really hope to know you better
To get close to your heart
But have you no place for me?
I try not to think too hard
created on 20 Mar 1999 Sat 2:00am @ Home
That there was a period of time last year
When you were really sad
I regretted not knowing you then
Not being able to give you warmth and comfort
To hold you in my arms and tell you
I'll always be by your side
Somehow you don't always look very happy
And it makes me wonder why
Really want to ask you
But whenever I see you
I can't seem to find anything to say
Hate myself for not being able to help you
To share in your problems and burdens
It pains me to see you so
I don't know what to do
Really hope to know you better
To get close to your heart
But have you no place for me?
I try not to think too hard
created on 20 Mar 1999 Sat 2:00am @ Home
From the moment I woke up
Your face came to my mind
I looked forward to seeing you
It made me want to sigh
Just thinking about you
Lit up a routine day
The lovely smile upon your face
Could rival the sun's rays
I spent the whole day searching
Hoping to catch a glimpse of you
I prayed so hard to see you
My wish really came true
Walking with my friends
I saw you from afar
Thought you didn't recognize me
But your face lit up with a smile
Was thinking about you the whole day
But I saw you for only mere seconds
Still I thank the Lord for His kindness
For His most beautiful present
created on 19 Mar 1999 Fri 11:45pm @ Home
Your face came to my mind
I looked forward to seeing you
It made me want to sigh
Just thinking about you
Lit up a routine day
The lovely smile upon your face
Could rival the sun's rays
I spent the whole day searching
Hoping to catch a glimpse of you
I prayed so hard to see you
My wish really came true
Walking with my friends
I saw you from afar
Thought you didn't recognize me
But your face lit up with a smile
Was thinking about you the whole day
But I saw you for only mere seconds
Still I thank the Lord for His kindness
For His most beautiful present
created on 19 Mar 1999 Fri 11:45pm @ Home
Saw you in the canteen today
Looking as great as always
Your mere presence filled the place
With a warm, refreshing glow
You saw me at the same moment
I set my eyes on you
The look of recognition on your lovely face
really made my day
Your wave across the tables
brought out my best smile
Really want to let you know
You make my life worthwhile
My friends used to tell me
'Find a target in school'
So I can look forward to each day
Hoping to catch a glimpse of you
Didn't see you in lecture just now
Was I disappointed
Tried hard to concentrate
But my thoughts strayed to you instead
Wondering what you were doing
If someone was with you
Hate myself for doing it
For losing my control
Will I see you tomorrow?
I pray to God I may
For I would be denied you
A period of two days
created on 18 Mar 1999 Thu 10:26pm @ Home
Looking as great as always
Your mere presence filled the place
With a warm, refreshing glow
You saw me at the same moment
I set my eyes on you
The look of recognition on your lovely face
really made my day
Your wave across the tables
brought out my best smile
Really want to let you know
You make my life worthwhile
My friends used to tell me
'Find a target in school'
So I can look forward to each day
Hoping to catch a glimpse of you
Didn't see you in lecture just now
Was I disappointed
Tried hard to concentrate
But my thoughts strayed to you instead
Wondering what you were doing
If someone was with you
Hate myself for doing it
For losing my control
Will I see you tomorrow?
I pray to God I may
For I would be denied you
A period of two days
created on 18 Mar 1999 Thu 10:26pm @ Home
My Painful Secret
You came to lecture today
Such a sweet surprise
Seeing you around school made me wonder why
You are still alone
Might your standards have been too high?
Or your sweet lady is not ready?
Such character, such indifference
Many have thought that you look good
Did you know?
Those large, beautiful eyes seem to look
right into my soul
But can you see my heart?
The longing, the void
You move with such grace
Like the powerful beast of the night
Your attitude is oh-so appealing
It attracts you so but hits you hard
Hurt. Pain.
Why must everything come with a sacrifice?
Makes me wonder if it could be
that survival depends on fantasies
created on 16 Mar 1999 Tue 11:36pm @ Home
Such a sweet surprise
Seeing you around school made me wonder why
You are still alone
Might your standards have been too high?
Or your sweet lady is not ready?
Such character, such indifference
Many have thought that you look good
Did you know?
Those large, beautiful eyes seem to look
right into my soul
But can you see my heart?
The longing, the void
You move with such grace
Like the powerful beast of the night
Your attitude is oh-so appealing
It attracts you so but hits you hard
Hurt. Pain.
Why must everything come with a sacrifice?
Makes me wonder if it could be
that survival depends on fantasies
created on 16 Mar 1999 Tue 11:36pm @ Home
Memories
I can still see your fantastic smile
The way your eyes crinkle at the ends when you're cheeky
I can still remember the way you walk
And how you've always managed to look so good regardless of what you wear
The times when we used to meet for dinner
Just to talk, eat
even if it's only time off
When you called from your office late at night
And kept me company on the phone
And your teeth! My favourite, crooked and cute
Little perks I get when I receive your page during a boring lecture
Even if it's only a 'hello' or 'good afternoon'
How you had to take two buses instead of one
Just to see me home
'On the way', you would say
Though I always told you it was okay
No more.
You made a choice but it wasn't me, no
Made me sad you did, but your fault it wasn't
It's never a sin to be a nice guy
But was I wrong to be touched by you?
You once belonged to someone but that was history
The times we had is history too
Sweet memories to be remembered
Never to be re-experienced
Time, the healer of all wounds?
Never will I be touched again
Until someone like you, as wonderful and innocent comes along
Maybe only then
created on 15 Mar 1999 Mon 9:16pm, Thomson Mac
The way your eyes crinkle at the ends when you're cheeky
I can still remember the way you walk
And how you've always managed to look so good regardless of what you wear
The times when we used to meet for dinner
Just to talk, eat
even if it's only time off
When you called from your office late at night
And kept me company on the phone
And your teeth! My favourite, crooked and cute
Little perks I get when I receive your page during a boring lecture
Even if it's only a 'hello' or 'good afternoon'
How you had to take two buses instead of one
Just to see me home
'On the way', you would say
Though I always told you it was okay
No more.
You made a choice but it wasn't me, no
Made me sad you did, but your fault it wasn't
It's never a sin to be a nice guy
But was I wrong to be touched by you?
You once belonged to someone but that was history
The times we had is history too
Sweet memories to be remembered
Never to be re-experienced
Time, the healer of all wounds?
Never will I be touched again
Until someone like you, as wonderful and innocent comes along
Maybe only then
created on 15 Mar 1999 Mon 9:16pm, Thomson Mac
Just Some Thoughts
When you are on a bus going home after a long day in school, and the sky is blue with signs of darkness creeping in, maybe then your creative juices might start flowing. You see the cars passing by outside, and you wonder where they are bound. Each has its own purpose, but what indeed is our final destination? Why are we doing the things we are doing?
Time lies to you. It makes you think you have gotten over things, when suddenly, an incident, a dream, makes you realize you haven't yet gotten over him.
Why did you suddenly appear again?
You came into my life, made me happy
gave me a ray of hope
a second chance.
You made me realize what could never be
Us.
I tried to accept, thought I did.
Everything went back to normal, it seemed
I haven't talked to you for sometime
You were BUSY
I didn't think of you
You belonged to her
But that night you crept into my dream
With her.
I was overwhelmed
with what, I know not
Tried not to take notice of you
But you saw me
You were nice, as always
Later, I thought a lot
I asked myself questions
But found no answers.
You were a great guy
and you always will be
Someone special.
created on 15 Mar 1999 Mon 7:30pm, bus 165
Time lies to you. It makes you think you have gotten over things, when suddenly, an incident, a dream, makes you realize you haven't yet gotten over him.
Why did you suddenly appear again?
You came into my life, made me happy
gave me a ray of hope
a second chance.
You made me realize what could never be
Us.
I tried to accept, thought I did.
Everything went back to normal, it seemed
I haven't talked to you for sometime
You were BUSY
I didn't think of you
You belonged to her
But that night you crept into my dream
With her.
I was overwhelmed
with what, I know not
Tried not to take notice of you
But you saw me
You were nice, as always
Later, I thought a lot
I asked myself questions
But found no answers.
You were a great guy
and you always will be
Someone special.
created on 15 Mar 1999 Mon 7:30pm, bus 165
